When I visit my home town and walk across the river through the foggy farmlands I imagine moving back there and living a simple life. It's like reading a story in a book about someone else's life. In my imagination that life is constant, stable, deep and simple. As if there's no more searching, no more striving to do better, be a better person, do more, be more creative. A simple job which contents me and enough spare time to do my own projects, read and study.
It's really not so much to ask for. In fact, all the conditions are here already. This past year I've had everything I wanted and yet I kept searching and struggling and things got complicated and weren't good enough. Off course when I imagine this simple life, I do not imagine a demanding boss, collegues who make your daily job miserable, people who take advantage of you, people who hurt you and discourage you. How come I get so affected by such things? It tends to take up all the space in my brain, all the energy in my body and I forget that everything is fine, that I have so much to be grateful for. I'm lucky to be surrounded and loved by people who constantly remind me of that, like my parents and my boyfriend. Whenever I am around them, I feel relieved. They have work and obligations like I do, but it never gets the best of them. They are not defined by it. I respect that, and also acknowledge that I'm not like that. These relationships are balanced. They show me how simple life in fact is, and I show them how complicated it really is.
I can't help but wish I had thicker skin sometimes. But then again I know it is simply the way I am. I take pride in the fact that I am a gentle, sensitive, disturbed, searching soul. It is my only defense. I guess life is harder on me than on others that way. Sometimes I long to live alone, hidden in a forest or a deserted beach to protect myself from the voices and opinions of others. But in the end I could never do that. Because in the end my love is too strong. I love the promise of kindness, generosity, funniness and tenderness that every man carries within.
