The artist part II/The letter I wish to receive

I am just going to pretend now that in response to my previous post I would receive this letter, written by a person I admire. I truly recommend this to anyone, writing yourself a letter of encouragement in the name of your heroes. Here we go.

Dear Angela,

The desire for creation you carry within is a gift. And you should never consider it as anything else than a gift. It is given to you by God, the greatest creator of all times. It is only natural that we feel the desire to create, since we ourselves are created in the image of the greatest creator Himself. It is given to you purely for your own enjoyment. It is not a burden, it is not a task, it does not come with any obligation other than the freedom to enjoy and treasure it whenever you can.

The first thing an artist does, is acknowledge this desire, know that it is there and feed it. This is something you, according to your writing, already do. So this is good. Keep in mind to always treasure and nurture it whenever you can. Keep on doing the things that awake this desire in you, watch good movies, read good books, take walks in nature, spend time alone, learn new things, listen to good music, eat good food. Do not waste your time with things or people who drain your energy instead of adding to it. This is the foundation for every artist. Your desire is your motivation to create.

You probably already know, it is a lot like being in love. There are butterflies in your stomach, you have energy, there's an almost painful longing inside of you. At times you feel like you can take on the entire world and at other times you despair at the idea that the person you love will reject you. Love and creation are very similar. Your heart recognizes them as the same. Isn't it true that when you are in love you are at your most creative? This is why artists speak about a muse. Our muse evokes in us the desire to create.

You speak of your visions. There is no creation without a vision, every great artist could tell you that. So it is excellent that you have visions of what your work of art is supposed to express. But keep in mind, visions are very abstract. A vision is a whole, it is a complete work, it is a feeling. If you start to work, try to separate it from the words and notes. A word or note, or a combination of them is not a vision. You cannot force your vision into existence. You must try and let it guide you on your way. You want it your first words to be as perfect as your vision. But your vision is not a practical thing. The strange thing is, you can only reach it by letting it go. Sometimes, in the midst of your work, without expecting it, something great happens and it is exactly like it was in your vision only the location or the words or the music is different. By letting go I do not mean give them up. No, please don't give them up. Try to reach them only don't try to force them. I know, this is difficult, very difficult.

You have to take risks. If you think that we were not afraid or not thinking that we were incompetent like you, you are gravely mistaken. All that is left from us is the good work, but we have written pages filled with rubbish, experienced great frustration and despair. I know you say that we were younger than you, but are you really going to let something like that stand in your way? What about the things you have already done? The pages you have already written? You act as if you have done nothing about your desire to create up until now, but this is not true. You have done a lot already. Your wish is to make it more substantial, to spend more time on it. This can be arranged. In order to overcome incompetence, insecurity, shyness you simply need to practice. Everything gets better with practice. Never stop, just try. I know there is frustration and pain ahead, but isn't the pain and frustration of not even trying much worse? Try not to forget there is not only frustration and pain, but also relieve and joy and inspiration and love once you keep going.

You say your biggest fear is to die not having become the artist you wish to be. But this is not true. Your biggest fear when you grew up was dying without having loved. Keep in mind that however things may turn out, you have loved and been loved most profoundly. This is the most important thing in your life, yes, more important even than you being an artist.

I know that in the creative area you have met people who would take others down to get to where they want to be. People who tried to force you into their idea of an artist. People with authority who told you you could never fit the profile for an artist. You have not yet met many good examples of what you believe an artist should be.

But I tell you, you never have to be anything other than yourself. We were ourselves. If anyone tried to tell us different, we stuck to our believes. And so do you. You just have to shout them out some louder. Louder. Do not be ashamed of your believes and feelings and stand up for them. Even if nobody agrees with you.

So, now that you have read this, go out and create. Stick to what you know. Finish what you start. Start with a few words from your desire to create, let your visions guide you and don't stop until you have something substantial. Throw it away if it is not good and start over. Start over all the time. I believe in you. You have it in you to become a great artist. Don't let anybody ever tell you different.

Yours truly,
your heroe

The artist

Even though I dare not say it out loud, deep in my heart I know that I am an artist. It doesn't matter how many studies or jobs I take to fill my time. The intense desire to create inside of me is always present. It is fed by all the beautiful creations I see around me. The more inspiring movies I see, books I read, music I hear, the stronger the desire gets. There is a way to suppress the desire. By not giving it any attention, not seeking out inspiration, just letting my life be lived, working for money, watching television, eating microwave foods. But it doesn't take very long for me to live that way and become severely unhappy and depressed. I have tried this.

Some people feel this desire and just act it out. Unfortunately I do not count myself so lucky. I almost think it's funny the ways in which I try to postpone the actual materialization of my desire. The way it works is like this: I get this vision, a vision of what my work of art is supposed to evoke in people, of what it is to evoke in myself, what it is supposed to look like and feel like. It's the same thing that is evoked inside of me when I see or hear something beautiful, but sometimes it is also more than that, I also already know the story as a whole, or hear the song as a whole.

Then once I finally get myself to start, I feel so far removed from that vision. There's just words on paper or notes coming from the guitar, but they do not match that vision, not by far. I get really confused and frustrated and it isn't what I was supposed to make. I have the words and the notes, but I cannot match them together in the right way to get to where I want to be. So my efforts start to feel useless and failed and frustrating. There was even a time when I stopped trying at all. But my desire never goes away. And the older I get, the more painful it gets to feel so far removed from the creating person I wish to be. I think of all the great artists that have lived and how they were not like me, how they didn't suppress the desire and just acted on a much younger age than I am now.

Sometimes I fear so strongly that my life will pass by and I have not become the artist I want to be. This, ladies and gentleman, is my greatest, greatest fear. Because I know it is in my own hands. And I know it is where I'm headed if I don't change. I will die blaming myself.

And other times, I feel very close to the artist I want to be. I feel like I am her already, in a very shy, modest, starting out kind of way. Because it is not entirely fair to say that when I try to create I never came close to the vision. There have been moments when, through the cracks and between the words I typed, I sometimes caught a glimpse of it. The vision I had was materializing just a little bit. But it happened only when I was committed to finish what I started. I had felt it once when I was acting. (I was playing this girl who meets a man from a totally different country, with different habits and I was studying this object he carried with him, I think it was a pipe, to figure out what you could do with it) I was completely immersed in my role and my lines and all of a sudden I saw the face of a spectator. The expression on his face, I almost cannot describe how it made me feel. He was so drawn into my act that he had copied my exact expression. But he had added something to it. Not only was he copying my expression, I could see in his face that he was moved by what I did.
And this, I can honestly say, was one of the most fulfilling moments I have ever experienced.

I believe this is the first time in my life that I have given the exact right words to this process. It is a good analysis. But what now? I feel like I have given the artist inside of me more attention this past half year, since I've started this blog. But I am still so far, still so afraid, still feeling so extremely incompetent in realizing my dream. The desire keeps on burning inside of me, unfulfilled, unrealized.

What do you think?

Rain and romance

It feels like the beginning of fall. August in Holland is supposed to be a summer month, but it has rained for so many days now. I do love the fall. I love so many things about it. After a period of sunshine, being outdoors, eating light foods, swirling around in summer clothing with the lightness of the air, the fall is like a slow retreat back into your home. Daylight lessens, heaters are turned on, you make a nice nook for yourself in the couch in your dimly lit living room and read a book while listening to rain and wind against the windows. It's a mystical transformation, it's returning to yourself, to your home, to each other. You watch the world turn red and yellow and brown from your window, last harvests are being brought in, the food you eat starts to taste more saturated, heavy and filled with dark flavours.

The fall is also a season of romance. Romantic movies make more sense when you watch them during fall (and I believe I mean here the romantic movies that take place in a far away time or land, not so much the modern romantic comedies). Yesterday I watched Becoming Jane again, about our little brave and heroic Jane Austen. So today I am in a romantic mood and I would like to share with you my favourite scene from the movie.

Jane arrives at this ball (I've read that Jane Austen lived a quiet life, reading and writing a lot, but she nevertheless loved balls and dancing and she was good at it too). She knows Tom Lefroy, a man she has met a few times and is falling in love with, is at the ball as well. As she enters the room, she looks out for him. She greets some people, but all this time her mind and attention are focused on seeing his face in the crowd. Mr. Wisley, the man who proposed to her and with whom, if she were sensible, she is supposed to marry, comes up to her and asks her to dance. She accepts, giving up her search and they start to dance.

Then this is what happens. (please click to see for yourself)

'Poof' suddenly out of nowhere he appears, joining the dance. Everything about this scene is so well performed, the camera swirling through the crowd and slowly closing in on Jane, so that your mind is close to hers and you do not see the surprise coming at all. The music...ah...the music is just gorgeous. It's a remake of a piece by Henry Purcell, a famous musician from the Barok period. The actors, the way she flutters and tries to compose herself, the way her posture changes from boredom to passion from the moment he is there. The way he smiles all smug exploring the reaction caused by his surprise and suddenly changes the intensity of his gaze, realizing the effect of his act goes deeper than he could have imagined, the confusion of mr. Wisley, the hand on her back, it's just...overwhelming. Not a word is being said and yet so many things are happening in this scene. I love that. Can you imagine a time when this was a part of life, these manners, the dancing, the clothing, the music? It seems so strange to me. Dance, etiquette, social rules, they are all a collective creation of mankind. Just dancing, not speaking, moving your body to a certain rhythm and expressing a certain emotion by that. Isn't it strange that we do this? We are still the same mankind, but the manners are so different now. I do miss that in modern day courting. There is almost no room for tension to build up. When you dance with someone like in this scene, just looking each other in the eyes, touching hands carefully, moving slowly to the same rhythm without saying a word, the tension must be so real and tangible. There is more room for your inner feelings to be felt, to be explored. Silence and movement is something we do not use anymore in courting. Speaking has become the main element of winning someone over. But speaking and feeling at the same time is difficult (at least for me it is). I wish more people would try to get to know each other in silence.

There's another thing this scene evokes in me, caused by the music. When I was a little girl, I used to play the violin. My father gave me this CD filled with classical music, I think it was to inspire me. I used to listen to the CD, but for some reason, I only listened to it on Sundays. Sunday is somehow the most quiet day of the week. It's a day that you tend to feel closed off from the world, secluded in your own space and your own mind. Sunday is the day melancholy seems to manifest itself very strongly and classical music goes perfect with that. So when I see this scene and hear the music I think back of those Sundays. I would be in my room, watching the clouds drift by from my roof window, surrounded by books and homework, writing or reading. This world in my room filled with classical music would be so enormously vast and wide. Everything fitted in there, all the feelings and hopes and dreams and desires and funny things, everything from inside of me was in that room. And it was huge, it covered meadows and lakes and forests and people I had never met and worlds I had never visited.

New habits

It's going very well. It's pretty amazing, I feel like I've finally found my pace. The pictures above are proof of that. Finally I have started my assignment journal, I've been wanting to do that for such a long time. I collect assignments I feel excited about. I write them down in this journal, act them out and record the results. Even the journal itself was kind of a creative assignment, because it was a cheap photo-album for which I made a new cover from a fabric I bought at the market. One of my first assignments is to make a label also for the front cover. I've bought ink, paint, a fountain pen to write, draw or paint my findings. I'm so excited and happy about this, I can't tell you how that feels. It's kind of dazzling also, it's hard for me to concentrate on performing one task, because my thoughts are fluttering all over the place. Since a week or so my mind started doing something new on it's own, fuelled by my enthusiasm I think. I am suddenly very aware of everything around me that was built, constructed. Everything I touch and see, houses, forks, teabags, sheets of paper, everything was fabricated, made, someone had an idea and pulled it into existence. That's how I noticed the house from the movie Percy Jackson, which I posted before. Because I am aware that it was made by men's hands, I feel like I could make such a beautiful place myself. I suddenly feel like I could build or make anything I think of. As I said, kind of dazzling...
I have to stay focused to also try and finish what I start. The thing that helps, is that I try to be very aware if what I'm doing at the moment is fulfilling, or if I'm just wandering around feeling restless, watching television etc. The more time I spend doing things I actually like, the more I become aware of the moments that I doing things purely out of boredom. It also starts to feel more pressing and urgent to do the things I like, because I'm more aware of the positive energy I get from doing those things. I love it. Who knows for how long I can keep up this high? I try to analyse all my thoughts and feelings because I'm so amazed by my new impulses and I don't want them to go away. It's like I'm trying to figure out the parameters I need for the moments I start to feel low again, so that I could just bring my good mood back to life. Is that even possible? I read once that changing your habits is a very hard thing to do, that you need an enormous amount of willpower and that few people are actually capable of changing their behaviour. I've made it happen now, it's a start and I am proud of myself. I'm secretly hoping that if I keep this up long enough, it will become my new habit and then it will be very hard to change back.

Listening to new music also:
Beach House
Villagers

Dream house

I saw "Percy Jackson and the lighting thief" recently. It was a pretty bad movie. But I fell in love with this house. Oh men, just imagine living here, by the water in such an open space in unison with the surroundings.




Copyright of 20th century Fox by the way.

A simple life

When I visit my home town and walk across the river through the foggy farmlands I imagine moving back there and living a simple life. It's like reading a story in a book about someone else's life. In my imagination that life is constant, stable, deep and simple. As if there's no more searching, no more striving to do better, be a better person, do more, be more creative. A simple job which contents me and enough spare time to do my own projects, read and study.

It's really not so much to ask for. In fact, all the conditions are here already. This past year I've had everything I wanted and yet I kept searching and struggling and things got complicated and weren't good enough. Off course when I imagine this simple life, I do not imagine a demanding boss, collegues who make your daily job miserable, people who take advantage of you, people who hurt you and discourage you. How come I get so affected by such things? It tends to take up all the space in my brain, all the energy in my body and I forget that everything is fine, that I have so much to be grateful for. I'm lucky to be surrounded and loved by people who constantly remind me of that, like my parents and my boyfriend. Whenever I am around them, I feel relieved. They have work and obligations like I do, but it never gets the best of them. They are not defined by it. I respect that, and also acknowledge that I'm not like that. These relationships are balanced. They show me how simple life in fact is, and I show them how complicated it really is.

I can't help but wish I had thicker skin sometimes. But then again I know it is simply the way I am. I take pride in the fact that I am a gentle, sensitive, disturbed, searching soul. It is my only defense. I guess life is harder on me than on others that way. Sometimes I long to live alone, hidden in a forest or a deserted beach to protect myself from the voices and opinions of others. But in the end I could never do that. Because in the end my love is too strong. I love the promise of kindness, generosity, funniness and tenderness that every man carries within.

The other colours of Greece/ vacation pics part 2

Tiny churches everywhere, even in the middle of the woods

Cheerful colours

Old men waiting for the bus

My favourite house in Parga. For the flower pots they use old buckets and olive oil cans and painted them in the same colour as the house.

Doorway

Checkered Greek socks (this one's made by Mathijs)

Greek wines

This closet aaah...it was just standing there like it belonged to no-one and I wanted to take it with me but thought of so many reasons not to (what if there was an owner, tiny rental car, customs and shipment costs etc.) In retrospect I regret that off course. I'm glad I made a picture.

Shutter (inspired by my friend Anne)

More shutters

Old press machine

Greek sign in Preveza

Greek street in Preveza

Greeks love flowers

Starter at our favourite restaurant (without a doubt the best restaurant in Parga): The 5 senses

Tip

www.carpediemdaily.com
www.theschooloflife.com

thanks to mrs. Smith off course!

Dreams

Where do they come from, the people you meet in your dreams? They come to you at night as a friend, an foe, a lover. But what are they made of?

I had a dream. In this dream I started a new life. I went to live in a new city, started a new education, made new friends and fell in love with a new man. And this new man was very, very real. I can still see his face, remember his voice, he even had a name (a funny one, but still, a name). His features were familiar, even though I had never seen him in my life. I touched his skin, he made me laugh. When I woke up, it was kind of upsetting. How is this possible? I never knew my imagination could be so strong that in the course of one night I could create a man with such detail and experience feelings for him. I was dissapointed he wasn't real, this was hard for me to accept.

So it got me to thinking. What if the people who appear in your dreams actually exist somewhere? What if by some magical accident a real person who is living their life totally secluded from yours entered your dream? What if someone from across time and space dreamed about you also? Would you be able to find each other? Or is it just one of God's little jokes?

It got me to thinking about something else also. All my life I've been having pretty strong dreams and written about them. I remember there was even a time when I was so into the whole dream thing, I would tell my parents how much I looked forward to going to sleep, because I was curious what dreams would come to me this night. It's just such a fascinating thing. It's experience without control. The mind so strong. It is absolutely free, completely without boundaries. No matter how suffocating reality can be, in your mind, you are always as free as a bird, you can do anything, be anyone. And apparently, I have a very vivid imagination. When I think about my longing to write fiction, I automatically think about my blockage in trying to come up with people or stories that aren't real. I block, because I think I don't have the creativity or patience to create characters or storylines (let alone interesting ones). But my dreams teach me that I am definitely capable of this. It's the same brain isn't it? So how could I consciously tap into that energy? It would really help me, I'd like to find out.

2 weeks after I wrote this in my journal, I went to see Inception, which is also about people entering each others dreams and the freedom of the creativity of the mind. (Funny coincidence. Or not. I like how when you are relaxed things fall into place and you start seeing patterns, things become meaningful, like they were trying to tell you something, like signs). Everyone should go and see this film, it's like a philosophical puzzle, brilliant and visually stunning, hats of to mr. Nolan. And also to mr. Zimmer for composing yet another brilliant score.

Greece green and blue/ Vacation pictures

A deserted place


Styx river (no ferry or Hades in sight)


Bottles of water hanging from a tree branch (no idea why)



The colours of the sea


The ultimate summer feeling


Blue light from underneath


How could you not fall in love with this?


Moonbeams


Small islands with churches but no inhabitants


Loving the colour contrast


Late afternoon sunlight on Parga


Parga from the top of a mountain


Sunrise at the airport


Leafy roof