Even though I dare not say it out loud, deep in my heart I know that I am an artist. It doesn't matter how many studies or jobs I take to fill my time. The intense desire to create inside of me is always present. It is fed by all the beautiful creations I see around me. The more inspiring movies I see, books I read, music I hear, the stronger the desire gets. There is a way to suppress the desire. By not giving it any attention, not seeking out inspiration, just letting my life be lived, working for money, watching television, eating microwave foods. But it doesn't take very long for me to live that way and become severely unhappy and depressed. I have tried this.
Some people feel this desire and just act it out. Unfortunately I do not count myself so lucky. I almost think it's funny the ways in which I try to postpone the actual materialization of my desire. The way it works is like this: I get this vision, a vision of what my work of art is supposed to evoke in people, of what it is to evoke in myself, what it is supposed to look like and feel like. It's the same thing that is evoked inside of me when I see or hear something beautiful, but sometimes it is also more than that, I also already know the story as a whole, or hear the song as a whole.
Then once I finally get myself to start, I feel so far removed from that vision. There's just words on paper or notes coming from the guitar, but they do not match that vision, not by far. I get really confused and frustrated and it isn't what I was supposed to make. I have the words and the notes, but I cannot match them together in the right way to get to where I want to be. So my efforts start to feel useless and failed and frustrating. There was even a time when I stopped trying at all. But my desire never goes away. And the older I get, the more painful it gets to feel so far removed from the creating person I wish to be. I think of all the great artists that have lived and how they were not like me, how they didn't suppress the desire and just acted on a much younger age than I am now.
Sometimes I fear so strongly that my life will pass by and I have not become the artist I want to be. This, ladies and gentleman, is my greatest, greatest fear. Because I know it is in my own hands. And I know it is where I'm headed if I don't change. I will die blaming myself.
And other times, I feel very close to the artist I want to be. I feel like I am her already, in a very shy, modest, starting out kind of way. Because it is not entirely fair to say that when I try to create I never came close to the vision. There have been moments when, through the cracks and between the words I typed, I sometimes caught a glimpse of it. The vision I had was materializing just a little bit. But it happened only when I was committed to finish what I started. I had felt it once when I was acting. (I was playing this girl who meets a man from a totally different country, with different habits and I was studying this object he carried with him, I think it was a pipe, to figure out what you could do with it) I was completely immersed in my role and my lines and all of a sudden I saw the face of a spectator. The expression on his face, I almost cannot describe how it made me feel. He was so drawn into my act that he had copied my exact expression. But he had added something to it. Not only was he copying my expression, I could see in his face that he was moved by what I did.
And this, I can honestly say, was one of the most fulfilling moments I have ever experienced.
I believe this is the first time in my life that I have given the exact right words to this process. It is a good analysis. But what now? I feel like I have given the artist inside of me more attention this past half year, since I've started this blog. But I am still so far, still so afraid, still feeling so extremely incompetent in realizing my dream. The desire keeps on burning inside of me, unfulfilled, unrealized.
What do you think?
