Aaah, don't you just love hot showers..? I know I'm supposed to work on my assignment now, but I remembered my dream from last night, and I want to tell you about it.
When I was about 13 years old I fell in love with this boy from my class. This wasn't a rare thing. I was in in and out of love very quickly and very, very often. But this crush, unlike other ones, lasted for a long time and it was very painful. His name was Emile. He had dark eyes, a dark complexion en long brown curls. He was a quiet guy, smart and rather brutal. I think this last trait kept him from being bullied. And of course the fact that he was utterly beautiful. People were kind of scared of him. Whenever something happened that he didn't like, he could snap easily. I saw him grab a guy's throat once for touching his lunchbox. But he could also be very charming and attentive, if he wanted to.
I believed there had to be something inside of him that was soft and profound. I knew he was the kind of boy that could love passionately. And I longed to be the object of that love. I longed for it so hard, it is impossible for me to believe that he never knew about it. I could stare at him for hours, contemplating his beauty. He must have known. How can you be in the same room with a person, feeling so much inside, without the other person noticing? I never told him anything about it. I feared his brutality also. He didn't refrain from using it on girls he didn't like. Not physically, just mentally. Sometimes, when I would try to get his attention, he would say something harsh and I would just...suffer in silence.
I did see his tender loving side come out eventually. There was this girl from another class. She was a tiny girl, beautiful, wearing the coolest clothes, listening to alternative songs. I had been right about him. He was tender and protective and loving. They lasted very long as a couple, until long after we finished school. I remember feeling so relieved when after a few years I heard they had broken up. So stupid and selfish to feel that way.
I also remember seeing him one day, long after we had finished school, in the supermarket where I lived. It was surreal and it went really fast. I was on my bike, cycling past the supermarket as he walked out. I was looking to see if it was really him and he recognized me first. "Hi!" he said enthousiastically. It stirred me to my very core. "Ehm...hi", I replied. When I came home, I threw around stuff in my room because I was so mad at myself for still feeling so overwhelmed by him.
It still is one of my biggest regrets, not telling him how I felt. After that experience I forced myself to be more open about my feelings whenever I fell in love. I had to, it was too painful not to, as I had experienced. A few years ago there was a reunion at my old school. I was determined to finally confront him. But he never showed.
So now, ever since, I've been having these recurring dreams. I dream that I see him and try to tell him how I felt about him all these years. The course of the dream is always different. Sometimes there's a happy ending. He tells me he always felt the same and we fall in love. And sometimes he is harsh, keeping me at a distance, and I am left feeling powerless. He is there, but I can't seem to reach him or draw his attention to tell him. Another happy ending is when I see him and we like each other and we fall in love and therefore it erases the past, I don't have to tell him anymore, he sort of already knows. The feeling I get when the ending is good is just so...freeing. It's such a relieve, it's a feeling like everything in my life falls into place.
So that's it. Last night I had another one of those dreams. But I don't remember exactly what happened. That's kind of a let-down, I know, but I wanted to tell you anyway. Next time I will give you more details. I could make a collection of Emile dreams.
I think it ended well though, last night. I woke up with a good feeling.