Starting a blog. It feels as though I should have a purpose or a goal. Like that women in Julie/Julia cooking a recipe from a book every day. I guess the whole reason for me to start a blog anyway is the fact that my life totally lacks of a purpose or a goal. I wish I had a purpose or a goal, but I don't.
Okay, maybe that's not entirely true, maybe I'm not being entirely honest. And being honest in this blog is actually kind of a goal. Brutally, fiercefully, nakedly, vulnerably honest. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself in that same honest fashion.
I am a girl/women aged 27 living in The Netherlands. There's really nothing special about me. Which I guess is part of the problem. When I was growing up, like everyone in Western civilisation, I was taught that it was important to stand out, to leave a legacy to the world, to show your unique qualities and develop and celebrate them.
And I tried, I really did. I went to acting schools, singing classes, auditioned for plays, hell I was even part of a completely flopped television show, a sort of Idols for actors. And the funny thing is, I got pretty far all those times. So why did I give it up? There are so many reasons for that I guess. I didn't like the people I encoutered doing this, mostly. They were self-absorbed, egotistic, manipulative, unkind. I didn't like the feeling of failure and the shame of being rejected. I didn't like being monitored, being on a schedule, being judged. I didn't feel like I was really expressing myself, I was busy pleasing others (which is something I'm good at, that's probably why I got far in the first place).
So now here I am, 27 years old, feeling guilty about my ordinaryness. I find it often hard to live in this world. To be so responsable for living a life of fulfillment and happiness. Because it's not working so hot for me and I know it's all my fault. I love those fantasy/fairytale movies where the main hero receives a message about some problem that he or she needs solve. Destroying a ring, kissing a princess awake, things like that. The quest they have to take is a burden to bear but to me it looks like a blessing. I'm still waiting for my message to arrive. What would Frodo be doing if it wasn't for that stupid ring? He longs to go back to his ordinary life all the time, but I think that's only because of the fact that he is away. It seems hardly possible to enjoy the ordinary when you're not moving forward.
Enjoying the ordinary, being happy with the things you have in life, is something I feel I should be doing. Which is part of my feeling guilty. Off course I am aware of the fact that I have the basic stuff figured out. I have a big love in my life, which is a great source of happiness and which is already more than most people can say. I'm healty, my family and friends are healthy, I have a house and I earn a little money, just enough to be able to live a normal life. Why then, do I feel this restlessness?
My boyfriend is the kind of person that knows how to enjoy the ordinary. He is such a happy person by nature, which is off course part of why I love him so much. But it makes it hard for us to understand each other also. Sometimes when we fight, which is mostly due to my restlessness, he blames me for being ungrateful, for being so hard to please, for being jealous of his easiness. And I blame him for his lazyness, lack of responsibility and depth. It doesn't matter. We always make up. But the words do get stuck in my head. They hit me at my weak spot. I do feel ungrateful, hard to please and jealous of his easiness. But is this my nature? I don't believe it is...
The last couple of years I have behaved very responsible. After finishing my thesis for University, I started working immediately, earning money, paying my debts (which are pretty heavy considering the great amount of time I took educating myself, which was really a happy time, a time I had a quest: graduating). 5 days a week. Working is really not the same as going to school. Going to school is learning new, interesting stuff, being together with your friends in a classroom, being inpired by teachers. Working is doing the same stuff routinely every day, for a boss who is out to earn as much money as he can. Or at least, that's my experience. I am sometimes suprised by the complete lack of energy I experienced the last years. But then again, when I read this, I can't even imagine that I was able to do it for 2,5 years.
I was able, in the midst of being a responsible robot, to become aware of the fact that I needed to escape. I felt that many times actually. Whenever I went on vacation and cried my eyes out because I never wanted to go back. Or whenever I spent my time being entirely absorbed by a film or book or series and then crying my eyes out at the ending because I never wanted to go back to my normal life. It's so sad, I feel so sad admitting this, writing this. But it's the truth. And the thing that also makes it sad, is that there are many names for the thing I have, because a lot of people have it. I get shivers down my spine of horror whenever I fit the perfect profile for a person with a 30-ers dilemma. It really doesn't make me feel any better knowing that. It makes me feel even more ordinary, even more of a loser.
So now, a couple of weeks ago, I made my real escape, carefully. Nothing big, like packing my bags and running to Brazil on my own. I just gave up my job and traded it for a new one for only 3 days a week. That means that for the biggest part of the week, I don't have to work. Which is weird. The object was to "do the things I like" for that part of the week. To not feel like such a robot anymore. But I'm procrastinating. I'm doing the things I have to do first, like washing dishes, laundry, just like I was taught, first work and then play.
But the playing part isn't arriving, I'm waiting for it to begin, but its like I've forgotten how. I feel like my soul is a dried-out plant. I can't grow by myself anymore. I desperately need some water, somebody water my soul, please. Next to the chores I have to do, I'm watching TV, eating chocolate, sleeping. That's not playing. You could say I need this watching TV etc. to reboot. But no, deep down I know that's not what I need. I need a wake-up call. I need, I desperately need and long for something profoundly inspiring. Do you know that feeling of being profoundly inspired? When you watch that movie that says everything there is to say about your life, when you hear that song that makes your blood pump faster, when you read the words that your soul recognizes? It's a feeling of being whole, of feeling one with the universe, of being close to God. And feeling that I need it is a start, it really is. Because when I'm a robot, I don't even long for it. My soul forgets all about it.
And now for the honest truth about my goal or purpose or lack thereoff. If I am completely honest, I want to be a person who makes that kind of inspiring stuff. I want it, because I want to give people that feeling, that inspired feeling of being one with the universe. I want to be an artist. This is all I ever wanted and it's my big struggle, it has always been, my entire life. Some people just are artists. They just do it. I am just struggling, fighting with myself all the time. I don't do anything artistic, I just find ways to get in the way of doing what I love.
So here I am. Writing a blog about it. Hoping for a change. I hope this blog will document that change. I will collect and write about things that inspire me. And then I will write how I'm doing. If I'm getting better at doing the things I like, if I'm finding ways to express myself in a better way, if I'm ready to inspire others by doing that.
Thank you for reading.
