I'm finally ready to admit it: I'm having problems at work. This is a topic I really don't like to talk about, because it happens to me all the time. And then I have to talk about it a lot. It helps to do that, and I'm grateful people are even willing to listen. But it's also such a negative thing and it fills me with shame and regret and guilt and anger just to think about it.
I just can't seem to find a job that I can hold for a long time. Bad stuff happens, or I get bored, or I can't get along with the people, I lose my confidence, there's no challenge, I make a crazy amount of extra hours without anyone noticing etc. etc. until I just can't stand it any longer and then I leave. It's making me crazy and it's happening again, for the third time in only 3 years of working. I'm starting to think again in terms of: "if I only get through this week, things will get better then". Until now things hadn't gotten better after that week. Some people say I'm really unlucky when it comes to work. I don't know. As you might understand I'm doubting myself a great deal. I'm thinking stuff like: "Every job has it's downside, so just get over it and finish what you start, like other people. My parents will be disappointed. If only I wouldn't make such a big deal out of my work, I could stay longer. It's just 'cause it's stressful right now, it will be over soon."
But the truth is: right now I'm very unhappy with my work and that it reason enough for me to quit.
A friend of mine gave me really good advice (she's the kind of friend to give you good motherly advice, but you never follow it. this time i did though, and i know i should listen to her more often!). She told me to write it all down. Of course I didn't want to do that, I got nicer things to do with my time. But it really helped. Because all those irritations were floating around in my mind all the time, sucking the life out of me. And once I put it on paper, I realized that my objections to my work are very realistic. They're not irrational at all, what I sometimes blame myself of. And on top of that it made me realize the kind of working environment I want. And that if they can't provide for that environment, I need to go. Of course that's the scary part. But luckily this time it's not so scary, because I have a back-up plan. The whole idea at the beginning was to find out if this job could work and if not I would go back to school again. But now that it's not working out, I still regret it a big deal, because at some point I really hoped and wished and believed that it would. And I greatly fear the future. Because what if the next thing I'm going to do isn't good enough either? What do I do then? Plus going back to school means I'll be making even less money in the next 2 years than I'm doing now. That's scary also. But I'll manage. I know I will, I always do.
