I feel like I have been lacking inspiration these last couple of weeks. Things have been stressfull at work, for a start. As a result I've been having stressfull dreams every night for 14 nights in a row.
Are you familiar with these? In those dreams you're trying to run and organize and follow some schedule, but it all goes wrong. You take the wrong train and you see the landscape through the windows taking you further and further away from where you're supposed to be, feeling more anxious every minute. Or you're just at work, calling, emailing, answering questions from your boss and everything goes fast, so fast. You can't keep track and you're always one step behind. I hate those dreams because they are a perfect resemblance of my true feelings during the day in such periods. And it's exactly those feelings I'm trying to escape while sleeping and - supposedly - resting. So I wake up still feeling stressed.
In my spare time I've been doing things that have been on my to-do list for ages. I thought that would tidy up my mind. And it does kind of, a little. It feels good to erase them from my everlasting list of trying to make my house look like the perfect beautiful home I want it to be. But in the end it's just doing chores. I'm not the kind of person that likes to fix things around the house. And it's also a restless feeling to strive for that perfection. Because you never really get there. I tend to give so much attention to the things that annoy me, that I forget my house is beautiful already. It's the same with people. You know your boyfriend would be perfect if it wasn't for this or that trait. And when you spend time to fix it, it just makes you more restless, because you never can seem to change it. Maybe I can't really compare a loved one with a house, haha :). But it kind of feels the same. It's never enough. But you gradually get there. I need to remind myself that work around the house is doing chores and therefore not inspiring. I know to some it is, but not to me. I try to delude myself into thinking it is sometimes: "I'm sure I'll feel better when this will be fixed." So I go ahead spending all my energy in fixing it. And afterwards I get tired of course, being all suprised about that.
But this weekend I was pulled away from my chores and work because of my family pressing to see me. I was annoyed by that at first, but I feel much better now after spending a few days with them. Just walking the same street you walked to school every day when your world was so tiny, the street being such a big part of it. Seeing the first signs of spring. That always brings back memories from my childhood. I don't know why, maybe because I was born in the spring. Watching pictures of my parents' wedding day and listening to the stories that go with them. "It was a cold day". "I remember my sister bringing that weird Polish friend without even telling me. We didn't have enough money for a bouquet with real flowers. They were made out of plastic. But we were happy and in love."
I did have two things piled up in my mind to tell you in these last weeks. I'll have to remember them for later, because it's late and I still have to do some chores. Bleegh. See, the list never gets empty. So you better just put it aside from time to time and forget all about it. :)
