My mind is fuzzy, I cannot seem to place my thoughts in the right compartment of my brain. And why do I feel like a robot, mechanically directing my movements? It is strange to live this way. I don't know what caused it and I don't know how to stop it. I meditate and eat well and sleep well and I'm working a job that I like, I'm seeing my friends, taking walks in nature. I'm doing everything right, so why does it feel wrong?
I feel like I'm constantly moving, keeping myself busy. But I panic when there's nothing to keep me entertained. When I find myself not knowing what to do I get this feeling as if I've had three cups of coffee in a row. I'm frantically looking at the checklist in my head, but I cannot bring myself to clean the bathroom right now. I need a good book or a good movie because it's too early to go to sleep. I need something good. Right now.
I'm scared to sit still in my room and do nothing.
And then comes along this great peace of art. And the thing that good art does, is it slaps you in the face and forces you to stand still. I realize suddenly what was wrong. I've stopped believing in miracles. This work of art reminded me of them.
There's no room for miracles in your life when you are being your own slave driver, like David Henry Thoreau so rightly describes. I need to sit still in my room and contemplate the beauty of art and life. Even though it is scary to do so. And even though good art is being ridiculed within the public domain and seems to become more scarce every day. Never stop searching for something that touches your soul, coming from the soul of another human being.
Even though this used to be my natural state of mind once, I find it extremely hard right now. And I need to literally force myself to sit down and not think about anything that I'm supposed to do. The moment of release comes when there's nothing I can bring myself to do. That's when I let go. Some good calm music helps: Arvo Part. It needs to become a normal part of my life again. I'm glad I realize that now.
