Problems

I'm finally ready to admit it: I'm having problems at work. This is a topic I really don't like to talk about, because it happens to me all the time. And then I have to talk about it a lot. It helps to do that, and I'm grateful people are even willing to listen. But it's also such a negative thing and it fills me with shame and regret and guilt and anger just to think about it.

I just can't seem to find a job that I can hold for a long time. Bad stuff happens, or I get bored, or I can't get along with the people, I lose my confidence, there's no challenge, I make a crazy amount of extra hours without anyone noticing etc. etc. until I just can't stand it any longer and then I leave. It's making me crazy and it's happening again, for the third time in only 3 years of working. I'm starting to think again in terms of: "if I only get through this week, things will get better then". Until now things hadn't gotten better after that week. Some people say I'm really unlucky when it comes to work. I don't know. As you might understand I'm doubting myself a great deal. I'm thinking stuff like: "Every job has it's downside, so just get over it and finish what you start, like other people. My parents will be disappointed. If only I wouldn't make such a big deal out of my work, I could stay longer. It's just 'cause it's stressful right now, it will be over soon."

But the truth is: right now I'm very unhappy with my work and that it reason enough for me to quit.

A friend of mine gave me really good advice (she's the kind of friend to give you good motherly advice, but you never follow it. this time i did though, and i know i should listen to her more often!). She told me to write it all down. Of course I didn't want to do that, I got nicer things to do with my time. But it really helped. Because all those irritations were floating around in my mind all the time, sucking the life out of me. And once I put it on paper, I realized that my objections to my work are very realistic. They're not irrational at all, what I sometimes blame myself of. And on top of that it made me realize the kind of working environment I want. And that if they can't provide for that environment, I need to go. Of course that's the scary part. But luckily this time it's not so scary, because I have a back-up plan. The whole idea at the beginning was to find out if this job could work and if not I would go back to school again. But now that it's not working out, I still regret it a big deal, because at some point I really hoped and wished and believed that it would. And I greatly fear the future. Because what if the next thing I'm going to do isn't good enough either? What do I do then? Plus going back to school means I'll be making even less money in the next 2 years than I'm doing now. That's scary also. But I'll manage. I know I will, I always do.

Beauty

Beauty causes a chain reaction. It inspires to create more beauty. Although to some it causes the desire to destruct. This is interesting, because the destruction of beauty is a beautiful act in itself, deeply disturbing and moving.

Favourite sounds

The sound of:
- the voice of my loved one telling me sweet things
- soft sheets when you turn to your other side while being half asleep
- the banjo. Don't know why but I love this instrument. It has a mystical sound from other times and worlds
- swallows at the end of a summer day
- the coffee machine on a lazy morning
- hot water from the shower on your skin after a cold day
- the husky voice of an attractive man (favourite in this category: Lee Pace)
- the breathing of dancers
- a warm breeze through the leafs
- storm and rain against the windows when you're sitting safely at home
- raindrops on your umbrella
- a cool drink being poured when you're thirsty

cliché but nevertheless:
- the waves on the beach
- a child laughing
- good music

Today

So, today is the day that I'm supposed to go to the library during the whole day. But it's 24 degrees Celsius out there in april, so what can you do? Exactly...sit outside.

There are even swallows flying over. This reminds me to make a list of favourite sounds in the world later on. The sound of swallows is pretty high on that list. It reminds me of carefree summerdays. Returning from a day on the beach. Stepping under the shower to wash the sand away. The smell of lotion on my burnt skin. Putting on a lovely summer dress and sandals to go out for dinner when the sun is going down. Haaa...how I long for vacation. I want to go to Italy, but I'm putting of the horrible searchwork on the internet, let alone thinking about how I'm going to pay for it all.

After spending 3 crazy days at work (including nightmare scenarios in which everything goes wrong) and also being away during the evenings it feels like I have to come down to earth after spending a year in chaotic space. Slowly waking up. Eating left-overs for breakfast and drinking filthy Senseo coffee because were out of our usual lovely-tasting bio coffee. Taking stock of the mess in my house. I have to do some groceries:
- croissants
- fresh fruits
- eggs
- peanut butter
- good coffee
I'm noticing a new obsession with food lately. It started when when boss's husband cooked for us during 3 days in Normandy. He is the best cook I know. The food is just simple, beautiful and pure. No funny stuff, just plain food and herbs and sauses and dressings in the exact combination of excellence and deliciousness. He did his shopping at the Lidl for crying out loud. If you can do that and still cook so heavenly it's just plain masterly. I love food when the taste is pure. When you have the time to study the delicious colours and textures and tastes. This is why I also love Nigella Lawson. She creates that awareness with food. And she doesn't give a shit about doing it by the rules or originally or gaining/losing weight. She just loves good food. And her descriptions of textures and tastes and colours are almost erotic.

Funny: while I'm writing this, I'm sitting on our flat roof in the sun and I'm looking into my neighbour's house. Since a few weeks I'm starting to become more aware about the people who live on my block. I still think it's weird that people are leading an entire life at a few feet and I don't know anything about them. So this neighbour is a big bulky man with a tattoo on his right bicep. He's listening to rock&roll music and all the while he's vacuuming and washing the dishes like mad, while singing to the music. And somewhere on my right I'm hearing a women's voice saying: "caliente!" I didn't know I had a Spanish speaking neighbour!

It's good to be back on earth.

Ruthless

We did some dance workshops at schools this week. I absolutely love working with young children. I know I'm going to be a primary school teacher one day. Just not now yet. But children can be ruthless also. There was this one group of 10 year olds. The group was far too big for the dancers actually, and their teacher wasn't helping one bit. There were 2 dancers. One of them is a tiny, supersweet Italian girl. She doesn't speak Dutch, but she was there anyway to help out. Just before this workshop she was telling me how happy she was to be joining this project. She didn't like being pushed around as a dancer. Sometimes she felt like a doll and these teachers and choreographers would pull her limbs and she would stand up straight and try to perfect her technique but it served nothing. In this project she felt liberated and she had fun.

And so during this workshop there was a group of mean little boys. They were standing in the back corner with their arms crossed making fun of all the other children who were trying to follow the Dutch dancer in front of the group. My Italian girl was standing somewhere in the middle between the other kids, showing them the movements, helping them out with a smile on her face. But she noticed the mean boys also and it was bugging her. And she couldn't communicate with them because of the language problem. So instead she tried to reach out to them as she did with the other children. With a big generous smile on her face she did a little dance as to encourage the boys to follow. And then this one boy did this: he copied her dance with a big mocking expression on his face. And when he finished the other boys would burst into laughter. She flinched. And staring blankly into space she continued her work.

So what about these boys? Are they really mean-spirited? Are these the boys that grow up to be mean bankers who steal from poor innocent people? Can they still change into funloving carefree human beings? I don't know. I remember doing some mean stuff when I was little too. I wasn't exactly a bully, but it wouldn't be fair to say that I never bullied anyone during my childhood. There was this new boy in my class when I was 13. He fled from Iran being a Christian. He was weirdlooking and smelly and strange to me. We would make fun of him. I feel so ashamed remembering that. It must have been so hard on this poor boy. It's an evil mix of fear of what doesn't match your standards and peer pressure.

There's even a worse story actually than this one. In my primary school there was a boy who didn't match our standards either. He had such white skin and a shreeky voice and he would cry and get angry over the smallest things. We was bullied heavily by almost the entire school. A long time ago, but long after primary school, his mother met my mother in the supermarket. She told my mom that he was such an unhappy boy still and that life was so hard on him. And she told my mother that I stood up for him sometimes in school and she was grateful for that. A few years ago he committed suicide. Alone. In the forest. With a knife. And as hard as I try, I can't recollect any memories of standing up for him. I just remember making fun of him.

Resolution

I know I've been lacking inspiration for quite some time now. I'm having my moments, but I know I can do better. I think I need to kick myself in the butt from time to time. It helps when I take a peek on all the inspired, beautiful, admirable blogs I've put in my "follow" list. In my few hours of alone-time I swiflty rush through them, just to realize that it takes a different mindset to make this kind of stuff. It's not just taking a few hours in between appointments or busy schedule (like I'm doing now). That's really not how it works (at least for me it isn't). It's slowing down entirely. And I'm not doing that. It's always so difficult to balance your personal work with relationships, a job to earn money and chores around the house. Of course it is, really. It's good to realize that. I need to slow down again. Spend more time alone, not feeling guilty about saying no to friends and family when they ask to see me. Or doing things for myself when my boyfriend's at home. I know they won't go away. But still, it feels like I'm not being fair when I don't call them back or give them the attention they need. It need this though. To grow.

So here's what I'm going to do. Next day I have to myself I will spend an entire day at the library. That's the mindset I see when I look at the other blogs. It comes from spending an entire day at the library. Looking at pictures from children's books, photographs in books about plants and flowers, reading short stories and poetry. This is my resolution, the kick in my own butt :).

So you know where I'll be when you look for me.
Until next time!
Love

List

Things I'm grateful for this week:

1. Getting a new fresh haircut.
2. The sunshine when you're sitting in the park celebrating your friend's birthday.
3. Realizing that drinking fresh water from the tap is a privilege.
4. The softness of the pillows and sheets from our own bed.
5. Spending time in the blooming garden of my parents in law.
6. Discovering a new band: Bowerbirds.
7. Studying theology books.