So, after my last string of heavy posts, I decided it was time for some positive action. Life is like that. There are periods when nothing comes out of your hands, you just feel disappointed, overwhelmed, unable. And then there's always that moment when it's suddenly over. Without consciously noticing, something deep within you decides you've had enough. New hope and energy come boiling to the surface.
A friend of mine, after telling her the story of the friend on the boat, rightfully pointed out that I should look within my own house and see the beauty of it. It's true. Everything I need to be happy is within my reach. I think I realize now that I don't even really know what exactly it is what I want. I have all these vague notions of living like an artist, looking at others who do so, envying them, thinking I could never be as strong and courageous and wilful as them. Because that's the thing. I know I don't lack the talent, whatever that may be, I don't even care about that. I just lack discipline. I am already living like an artist and I seem to forget that sometimes. Yesterday I picked up a journal I was making the year I went to drama school. My favourite teacher in the world: Hans Lemmerman, taught us to keep a "book of things". He is still the most inspiring man I've ever encountered in my life. I was always so excited to get to his class, because my head would boil with brilliant ideas afterwards. Anyway, I found my "books of things" again and looked at the collection. I was kind of stunned by how good it was. And how it was exactly me, the way I see things. And I remember very well his advise. He told me I had a good eye for art, but I had to take it further. Instead of just noticing or pointing out, I needed to think of a shape to put it.
This is exactly what I have to do! I just have to find a better way to channel it, set clear and achievable goals for myself, get to action. I'm having these visions now about creating a crazy big schedule to hang on my wall, complete with my achievable goals, how to achieve them and the things I'm doing on a weekly basis to reach them. Some people are advised to dream bigger. My problem is dreaming too big. I need to dream smaller, in portions. What do I really want that I could reach in reality? Off course I'll never stop dreaming big, 'cause that's just who I am :). But I think it'll work this way. I feel excited about it, butterflies in my stomach. I hope I can hold on to this feeling now just long enough to actually get somewhere until I start feeling down again (haha, sometimes I wonder if I'm not accidentally manic-depressive). This is good. So, to match this positive excited feeling, I have a song for you, to get in the same mood: Sia, Clap your hands.
Two other things I'd like to share:
* I'm reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave. It's been a long time since I've read a good book. This book is simply brilliant. Beautiful, cruel, honest writing.
* I've enrolled in an additional education to be a primary teacher, whohoo! So excited about that. I'm just a nerd who loves school. It's going to be extremely busy though from September for the next 2,5 years. Hope I don't lose myself again. But I think this will be good. I love working with children. I dreamed about teaching children last night and woke up feeling fresh and happy. Off course I'm scared that this won't work out as well, I guess. But I believe I need to give it a chance.
