I'm so proud of myself!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Max Richter
I just discovered a new composer by watching "Waltz with Bashir". His name is Max Richter. The music is just....haaaa....dreamy, melancholy. Please listen: http://www.myspace.com/maxrichtermusic
Saturday, May 22, 2010
List of things I already know
Today has been the most beautiful day. All that rests now is the sunset to be watched from the couch where I'm sitting now and typing while listening to Bon Iver. I've helped some friends move in together. They are going to live in a beautiful house in the middle of the city. Happiness was shining from their faces, knowing they would live under the same roof from now on. The air was clear and everyone who helped out sat on the couches and the chairs afterwards, looking fulfilled.
I'm home alone now. I ate some stuff from the fridge and watched some music video's. I felt something, something I hadn't felt in a long time. It's the feeling I used to have before summer vacation when I was still in school. It's a feeling that anything is possible, anything, anything could happen. So many new people to meet, so many new experiences to be had, new places to be discovered, sunlight to be enjoyed. It's a very powerful feeling and I miss it, it doesn't visit me very often anymore. Maybe because life has become routinely. I'm not sure though. Because life's also routinely when you're in school. Why has it stayed away for so long? Is it because I'm getting older and my life is more mapped out than it used to be? Maybe, that should be it. But it's not really. Anything could still happen. I could run off and start a whole new life. I could live in a warm country in a house on the beach. Making a living by cooking lunch for surfers and writing in the evenings. Life could be like that, it can still be like that.
The highpoint of this feeling was during my travel. And in the light of all things I'm stuck with, struggling with today, sometimes the best you can do is go back. You go back to the moment when you were extremely happy, because then you knew. You knew about life and love and happiness. I took my journal from Brazil out from the drawer and started reading. Life is like that also. It's not just fighting with my boss and fighting with my relatives. It also the feeling I had during this journey. It lasts forever, time's not really linear, I am there forever because I was there once. No new bad stuff that happens to me could ever undo that.
So here's a list of things I wrote down at the end of my journey. It seems kind of ironic knowing now that life would become much harder afterwards, testing the things I told myself and not passing those tests. But it doesn't matter. That's why I'm going back now, because today I feel the same as I did back then. And just one moment like this is enough to erase everything bad in between.
1.: Open your mind. Don't refrain from having that conversation with that stranger. Be curious and open. Who knows what you might discover, it's an adventure. When a stranger asks for your help, drop everything to give him what he needs. You will be satisfied.
2.: Don't ever think you are worth less because someone tries to make you believe you are. Avoid such people. Stay true to yourself, love yourself en you will encounter the things in your life which are yours. You will live the life that fulfils you.
3.: Search for happiness. Work on it, it doesn't just happen. You need time and practice, but you have to start. I have to start. Playing the guitar, writing. I don't want to live in my head anymore, but for real. Let the energy flow to my body and let me be physically tired instead of mentally tired. I can do it.
4.: Don't be afraid of the things that are coming your way. Everything will truly be all right. Be open to the future. Don't plan your life too tightly, you will miss out on things.
5.: Stay in the company of good people, generous loving people who will be there for you and for whom you are there. People who love you for who you are, who grant you your freedom. Share with them all you have.
6: Enjoy good food, good people, good music. Turn off the TV. Go outside. Be cheerful. Look up the sun.
I'm home alone now. I ate some stuff from the fridge and watched some music video's. I felt something, something I hadn't felt in a long time. It's the feeling I used to have before summer vacation when I was still in school. It's a feeling that anything is possible, anything, anything could happen. So many new people to meet, so many new experiences to be had, new places to be discovered, sunlight to be enjoyed. It's a very powerful feeling and I miss it, it doesn't visit me very often anymore. Maybe because life has become routinely. I'm not sure though. Because life's also routinely when you're in school. Why has it stayed away for so long? Is it because I'm getting older and my life is more mapped out than it used to be? Maybe, that should be it. But it's not really. Anything could still happen. I could run off and start a whole new life. I could live in a warm country in a house on the beach. Making a living by cooking lunch for surfers and writing in the evenings. Life could be like that, it can still be like that.
The highpoint of this feeling was during my travel. And in the light of all things I'm stuck with, struggling with today, sometimes the best you can do is go back. You go back to the moment when you were extremely happy, because then you knew. You knew about life and love and happiness. I took my journal from Brazil out from the drawer and started reading. Life is like that also. It's not just fighting with my boss and fighting with my relatives. It also the feeling I had during this journey. It lasts forever, time's not really linear, I am there forever because I was there once. No new bad stuff that happens to me could ever undo that.
So here's a list of things I wrote down at the end of my journey. It seems kind of ironic knowing now that life would become much harder afterwards, testing the things I told myself and not passing those tests. But it doesn't matter. That's why I'm going back now, because today I feel the same as I did back then. And just one moment like this is enough to erase everything bad in between.
1.: Open your mind. Don't refrain from having that conversation with that stranger. Be curious and open. Who knows what you might discover, it's an adventure. When a stranger asks for your help, drop everything to give him what he needs. You will be satisfied.
2.: Don't ever think you are worth less because someone tries to make you believe you are. Avoid such people. Stay true to yourself, love yourself en you will encounter the things in your life which are yours. You will live the life that fulfils you.
3.: Search for happiness. Work on it, it doesn't just happen. You need time and practice, but you have to start. I have to start. Playing the guitar, writing. I don't want to live in my head anymore, but for real. Let the energy flow to my body and let me be physically tired instead of mentally tired. I can do it.
4.: Don't be afraid of the things that are coming your way. Everything will truly be all right. Be open to the future. Don't plan your life too tightly, you will miss out on things.
5.: Stay in the company of good people, generous loving people who will be there for you and for whom you are there. People who love you for who you are, who grant you your freedom. Share with them all you have.
6: Enjoy good food, good people, good music. Turn off the TV. Go outside. Be cheerful. Look up the sun.
Monday, May 17, 2010
My heart
Lately I have become very aware of my heart. When I go to sleep at night, I lie down one hand on my belly, to follow my breathing and one on my heart, to feel it beat. It's strange, to feel something move inside your body underneath the surface. This organ that's working so hard. Sometimes it feels as though my heart is surrounded by some sort of space. When my boss walks into the room and I'm thinking of all the things I did wrong, the space shrinks. The organ is pounding, struggling inside a tight room, banging on the walls.
And then the other night I watched this horrible romantic film (Leap Year). It reminded me of falling in love. And as I lay in bed nestling in the warmth of the feeling the film had left me, it felt as though the space around my heart was almost as big as my entire chest, my heart could glow and expand and pound firmly, full of confidence.
And then the other night I watched this horrible romantic film (Leap Year). It reminded me of falling in love. And as I lay in bed nestling in the warmth of the feeling the film had left me, it felt as though the space around my heart was almost as big as my entire chest, my heart could glow and expand and pound firmly, full of confidence.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Problems
I'm finally ready to admit it: I'm having problems at work. This is a topic I really don't like to talk about, because it happens to me all the time. And then I have to talk about it a lot. It helps to do that, and I'm grateful people are even willing to listen. But it's also such a negative thing and it fills me with shame and regret and guilt and anger just to think about it.
I just can't seem to find a job that I can hold for a long time. Bad stuff happens, or I get bored, or I can't get along with the people, I lose my confidence, there's no challenge, I make a crazy amount of extra hours without anyone noticing etc. etc. until I just can't stand it any longer and then I leave. It's making me crazy and it's happening again, for the third time in only 3 years of working. I'm starting to think again in terms of: "if I only get through this week, things will get better then". Until now things hadn't gotten better after that week. Some people say I'm really unlucky when it comes to work. I don't know. As you might understand I'm doubting myself a great deal. I'm thinking stuff like: "Every job has it's downside, so just get over it and finish what you start, like other people. My parents will be disappointed. If only I wouldn't make such a big deal out of my work, I could stay longer. It's just 'cause it's stressful right now, it will be over soon."
But the truth is: right now I'm very unhappy with my work and that it reason enough for me to quit.
A friend of mine gave me really good advice (she's the kind of friend to give you good motherly advice, but you never follow it. this time i did though, and i know i should listen to her more often!). She told me to write it all down. Of course I didn't want to do that, I got nicer things to do with my time. But it really helped. Because all those irritations were floating around in my mind all the time, sucking the life out of me. And once I put it on paper, I realized that my objections to my work are very realistic. They're not irrational at all, what I sometimes blame myself of. And on top of that it made me realize the kind of working environment I want. And that if they can't provide for that environment, I need to go. Of course that's the scary part. But luckily this time it's not so scary, because I have a back-up plan. The whole idea at the beginning was to find out if this job could work and if not I would go back to school again. But now that it's not working out, I still regret it a big deal, because at some point I really hoped and wished and believed that it would. And I greatly fear the future. Because what if the next thing I'm going to do isn't good enough either? What do I do then? Plus going back to school means I'll be making even less money in the next 2 years than I'm doing now. That's scary also. But I'll manage. I know I will, I always do.
I just can't seem to find a job that I can hold for a long time. Bad stuff happens, or I get bored, or I can't get along with the people, I lose my confidence, there's no challenge, I make a crazy amount of extra hours without anyone noticing etc. etc. until I just can't stand it any longer and then I leave. It's making me crazy and it's happening again, for the third time in only 3 years of working. I'm starting to think again in terms of: "if I only get through this week, things will get better then". Until now things hadn't gotten better after that week. Some people say I'm really unlucky when it comes to work. I don't know. As you might understand I'm doubting myself a great deal. I'm thinking stuff like: "Every job has it's downside, so just get over it and finish what you start, like other people. My parents will be disappointed. If only I wouldn't make such a big deal out of my work, I could stay longer. It's just 'cause it's stressful right now, it will be over soon."
But the truth is: right now I'm very unhappy with my work and that it reason enough for me to quit.
A friend of mine gave me really good advice (she's the kind of friend to give you good motherly advice, but you never follow it. this time i did though, and i know i should listen to her more often!). She told me to write it all down. Of course I didn't want to do that, I got nicer things to do with my time. But it really helped. Because all those irritations were floating around in my mind all the time, sucking the life out of me. And once I put it on paper, I realized that my objections to my work are very realistic. They're not irrational at all, what I sometimes blame myself of. And on top of that it made me realize the kind of working environment I want. And that if they can't provide for that environment, I need to go. Of course that's the scary part. But luckily this time it's not so scary, because I have a back-up plan. The whole idea at the beginning was to find out if this job could work and if not I would go back to school again. But now that it's not working out, I still regret it a big deal, because at some point I really hoped and wished and believed that it would. And I greatly fear the future. Because what if the next thing I'm going to do isn't good enough either? What do I do then? Plus going back to school means I'll be making even less money in the next 2 years than I'm doing now. That's scary also. But I'll manage. I know I will, I always do.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Beauty
Beauty causes a chain reaction. It inspires to create more beauty. Although to some it causes the desire to destruct. This is interesting, because the destruction of beauty is a beautiful act in itself, deeply disturbing and moving.
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